Katie Writes, too – Thoughts on Comfort

“You’re going to be depressed… ” 

“This is going to haunt you for a long time…”

 These are just some of the things that my doctors said on the day I delivered my still born daughter.  The books they gave us to read and give to our children were equally unhelpful. I understand that they felt they must say something to the situation, or commiserate with us and validate the grief we felt, and I’m sure they meant well. Had I not been a Christian the statements and “advice” they gave would have solidified my hopelessness, and made me fall deeper into despair. 

But God! Even when they were saying those things, my heart was shouting “Not true! Your God has you in His arms, He is holding your daughter as they speak. And you have Hope!” Yes I am grieving the loss of our baby and the plans we had for her, and all the things we won’t be able to experience with her. We wanted a fourth child so badly, we had come so far, and we loved her like she was already here in our arms. We didn’t get to hold her while she was living, or introduce her to her siblings and family.  And for that I will always be sad, and grieve her absence.

But this was God’s plan. Even though it hurts,  and I wish it wasn’t.  I wish I didn’t have a stab of sorrow every time I remember I’m not pregnant, but even in the midst of that He is faithful,  and the peace I feel because of that is miraculous.

Nate and I were discussing the phrase “the worst thing that’s ever happened”, because we could use that phrase and people wouldn’t question it.  But it doesn’t feel right.  This is terrible, and painful… yet we still have peace and hope, even though to some it doesn’t make sense.  When I hear that phrase, the only thing I feel that it describes is being lost: not having Jesus as your Savior. Being lost is the worst thing that can happen! I remember that hopeless feeling. No peace could come, because I hadn’t met the Peacemaker.  I was miserable because I had tried to make myself feel better and I was so  tired. I had prayed so many times for peace, and truly never thought I would know what it felt to be at peace. Then finally one day, I saw Jesus for who He was; Holy! … and I realized I was never going to be good enough and I needed to surrender to that and accept His life and sacrifice for my righteousness.  Oh what sweet peace when I did! I never understood how until He was real to me.  I didn’t have to worry if I was good enough  because I knew I never would be, and God was accepting my faith as righteousness.

So now as we go through the worst week of 2021 I am hurting, but I trust Him.  I am grieving,  but I have hope. And I want to praise God for His never changing character,  His love, and peace He gives to His children.