A running joke between me and my wife is the difference in guilt levels between moms and dads. If mom-guilt is as perennial as grass, would dad-guilt be more like a Bigfoot sighting – rare and poorly photographed? Like, if you squeeze your eyes and tilt your head, you can almost make it out in those shadows underneath that tree limb.
But I think dad-guilt is actually a thing because I experienced it for myself over the Christmas holidays in the following way: I live a busy life with responsibilities in multiple directions, which is kind of like being a general that is fighting multiple fronts, all of which require attention but have to be balanced with the needs of other “fronts” lest the barbarians penetrate the sanctity of my world. One of those responsibilities required a pretty significant personal investment regarding the expansion of some living area to accommodate more family members. So since September I have been squeezing in construction where I could, but November and December were significant pushes to complete that project. The result was that the weeks surrounding Christmas involved me working 12-14 hours a day.
A typical day in our family would be bookended with time with the family: mornings they would find me drinking coffee and reading in a recliner, and evening would conclude with family Bible time and me tucking them in to bed. For a couple of weeks that idyllic routine was displaced by pre-dawn construction prep and post-sunset construction endeavors. I would already be constructing when the kids woke up and constructing until after bed time. On top of that, a man running high RPM’s isn’t usually going to be cheerful with his kids, or eager to hear about all of the things that they think are important. Not when he has important things to do. At least, not this man.
This is when I experienced that “dad guilt”. You know, the cat’s in the cradle with the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon, when you coming home dad? I don’t know when…
If there is such a thing as dad guilt, I think it has less to do with the specifics of day to day living and more to do with the general reality that as men work hard to provide for their families they are left with little to give their family. Little time. Little patience. Only little moments in a day swirling with activity. Guilt is a real thing, and in many ways it is a gift from God. But guilt is not fool-proof. It can be tuned to a false note or triggered by a faulty conscience. Just as much “mom guilt” is based on falsehood, there is a kind of falsehood lurking behind the dad guilt I was experiencing. It’s the kind of falsehood that makes men despise their work instead of treasuring their work. Men were made to work, and a man who doesn’t work isn’t much of a man. It is true that much work is dreary and feels meaningless. Work cursed by the Fall. But a Christian man should not hate nor despise his work. He should not hate the means by which God provides for his family.
But a Christian man should not hate nor despise his work. He should not hate the means by which God provides for his family.
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This means that what time a man does devote to his family should be meaningful and somewhat sacred. If you have a limited amount of time to give to your children, you should not waste it. Which means you should take them to church. You should teach them the eternal truths of Scripture. You should include them in household living as much as possible.
It is certainly possible for a man to spend too much time away from his family and rob them of his presence. Is that the world we are living in? I’m not so sure. Is a robust work ethic the affliction of our age? We work less than any generation before us. We have more vacation time and leisure time and hobbies and recreation than other generations. A robust work ethic is not the affliction of our age. If anything robs children of their fathers, it is more likely to be smart phones and hobbies.
If our boys don’t see us working, how will they know how to work? If our daughters don’t see us working, how will they know what kind of man is worth honoring in covenant marriage? There is something good in kids waking up to find that their dad is already hard at work. There is a lesson in kids going to sleep to the sound of hammering, or typing, or strumming.
Obviously, this is a wisdom issue. Every household will have seasons where more presence is required and seasons where more work (and therefore absence) is required. I am not suggesting that dads neglect their family. Wisdom dictates that fathers need to establish household patterns that provide minimum touchpoints during busy seasons (like family meals, devotions, and church attendance) but also contain periods of greater time spent together (holidays, vacations, etc…). Sometimes togetherness can be achieved by involving children in household responsibilities. If dad is out mowing, the kids can be outside doing something helpful as well and not “isolated” in an entertainment bubble. Some families might be able to establish a “no compromise” weekly time spent together, but for some others (men whose work doesn’t allow for weekly consistency) this might be impossible. You have to work with what you have.
My dad guilt was cured pretty quickly when the project was finished and my kids got to see what dad had been working so hard on. They got to see that work can bring about blessing. They witnessed a head of household striving to care for his dependents. When I would comment critically on my own work (there was some real B- stuff going on), my wife and kids were the first ones to tell me that I had done a great job.
Unless necessity demands it, I don’t plan on stretching myself that far again for a while. But I don’t feel guilty about it. Turns out that really was just a strange shadow under that tree, not Bigfoot.
Nathan Writes 